Indiana girl at heart 46062 317-350-0037 tparke@terriswritings.com MWF 9a-12p Tuesday-Thursday 2p-4pm Also by appointment

Moving to McKinney! Pain Free Acupuncture Clinic, Office Space, but first…… Ranch in Argyle

At about 4:30pm Central Time on June 6th we drove into McKinney, Texas; well I drove into McKinney.

I had the puppy, and my husband went directly to the AirBNB ranch, in Copper Canyon, Texas, where we would be staying for three weeks until the previous owners moved from our newly purchased home.

Matt went to check in, meet Pam the owner, and drop off a couple of things.

After 2 days of driving, and one full hour of Oklahoma rainstorms where we met for lunch at two separate Chick Filas, we had made it to our new-to-us home in time for our final walk through prior to signing the papers to purchase it.

Prior to leaving Noblesville, Indiana, we took some pics.

Luckily, Matt came through as photographer-suggester, and suggested we take a selfie at our home in Noblesville before we left. I agreed with that suggestion, and took several pics through the home, including our view of the beautiful grass we grow so easily in Indiana.

View from the front porch

Our Noblesville home had been cleaned, all of our belongings that survived the purge had been loaded onto a truck, and we had put the final remaining items into our 2 vehicles so that we’d have clothes, some bag chairs, and some food/hygiene items for the coming weeks.

Our new-to-us house was as perfect to us as we remembered. We saw the home in early May for 15-30 minutes, the day we made the offer to purchase the home.

After many, many homes searched, it was the second to last one we looked at prior to driving back to Indiana.

On the final walk through, we walked around, and I took pics of the home with the previous owners’ belongings in it. I enjoy their decorating style, and wanted to be able to replicate a couple of things once they had their things out of it.

Wayfair Floor covering in kitchen 🙂

It was a great relief to see our new-to-us home, and then to close without incident on it on 6/7.

Even better, the ranch our realtor had connected us with in Copper Canyon, Texas, is an Air BNB that is lovely.

Sitting poolside at Sparrow Ranch

We became Texas landowners on 6/7/2019, and settled in to enjoy our stay in Copper Canyon and to begin preparing to move into our home at the end of the month.

My childhood friends, Cara and her twin sister Sara, live in the area to which we are moving.

I have been communicating with them about re-connecting, particularly asking for help with finding a hair dresser, help with mental health office space, etc., and help finding medical/chiropractic care.

They definitely came through for me. Cara and Sara have been advising me from Texas through many of our decisions, and had told me in 2016 that they could work to connect me with people they knew. They both were true to their word and I really appreciate it.

I am excited to say that on June 18th, which also happens to be our 25th wedding anniversary, I signed on the dotted line and began renting space at the Pain Free Acupuncture Clinic in McKinney (Craig Ranch) Texas. I am writing this blog from the desk that I share with Gail, the clinical manager.

new office door
Office door, Pain Free Acupuncture Clinic

We wrap up our stay at Sparrow Ranch later this week, our boys come over the weekend, and the furniture truck arrives late next week.

When I think about all of the anticipation and the change we have had, I think about new beginnings.

I think about my opportunity to work alongside those who help with physical pain, as I work to help from the mental health side of both emotional and physical pain. I am excited for new and old friends, new opportunities, and new beginnings.

I think about heartfelt ‘see you soons’. I think about the friendships I have in Indiana and beyond, which I will continue to have. I think about relationships I have through the work I have participated in, and I think about my close relationships with family members. I am excited to be able to continue to travel home and to accept guests into my home to continue those relationships.

I think about so many new opportunities

Now I’d like for you to think about changes you are considering in your own life.

Think about things you like just the way they are. Think about things/people that cause you a bit of discomfort. People you may wish to reconnect with, and those you wish for a little more separation from.

As you think about changes you would like to make, or changes you have made, think about things you love, things that make you unsettled, and your plan for change

Think about ‘how can I improve what I have and love, and what can I do to make things better and sometimes harder’, at least in the short term. Think about how you can make decisions, like starting over in a new state, opening a business, drawing a picture of what you envision, or even reaching out to an old friend.

Now…think of something you can do this week, or at least in the short term.

Can you commit to it? I know I can. These changes are here, I’m excited about them, and every day is kind of like wearing a new outfit, which is something I like to do.

Change isn’t easy….but it sure is exciting! Good luck with your commitment to change, and I’m so glad you were able to think about things you love and wish to alter in your own life.

Sunset in Grapevine
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Jun 8, 2019 05:33 leading with Compassion, podcast Part 1, graduating from Indiana and moving to Texas, and the Predictive Index

HI!

Today’s Podcast is part 1, approximately 30 minutes, about moving and the Predictive Index

Part 2 is published as well. These podcasts are based on a blog of a similar name posted just below

Happy listening!

https://www.podbean.com/media/share/pb-38ukw-b456d6

Leading with Trust: Believing in Others

I am a very trusting person.

One of my strengths in this area is that I trust people when they tell me something.

One story, where this strength helped, was during an activity during one of my first courses in graduate school.

We were put into groups, and we were given a problem. We were encouraged to figure out what was wrong, come up with steps to solve it, and try to figure out the origin of the issue.

The story was about a boy who wasn’t listening. His parents would tell him what to do, he didn’t listen.

His teachers would tell him what to do, he still did not listen.

There was a teacher meeting together with the parents to talk about what were the supports in his life that were missing that would help him become more able to listen.

As we were brainstorming, which is a very specific task where all ideas are good, no feedback is given about the ideas, and everyone keeps coming up with ideas for a certain amount of time, I made a suggestion.

‘What if he can’t hear?

What if it isn’t that he isn’t listening, but that he cannot hear what is being said’.

In this instance, that was what was happening,

A child could not hear, and therefore was not listening.


I have talked previously about my trip to France in 1990.

We went to France and Switzerland, and were located for about 2 weeks at a camp near enough to visit Lyon, France; walk into Switzerland and get some chocolate; and to visit the Peugeot Plant.

We were there to get to know each other as people, and were all careful to state to each other that we did not represent each other’s countries.

At the time, Europe was not known as Europe as much as it was known as individual countries.

In France you paid with Francs, and in Switzerland it depended on what part of the country you were in to determine both the primary language spoken and the currency utilized.

My friend from Denmark ‘squished her food’. As we watched her, she was quick to say that smooshing all of her food together is typical in Denmark. She had a very specific reason for doing it, but I do not remember what they were.

My friend from Bath in England did not like carbonation in her coke. She was quick to say that this was not a Bath issue, and this did not represent England, but she did not like carbonation and she suggested that we all try it.

I have to admit, a flat Coke does have merit.

Two boys from France 🇫🇷 and one of the leaders (Gregoire), who was also from France, were the hardest for my sister and me to understand.

At that time, some people in France were resistant to learning English.

As our friends pointed out, they still spoke English better than we spoke French (my sister and me), but they had an accent that was hard for us to understand.

Those two weeks of learning to communicate, learning about each other, and experiencing the local culture, had a very strong affect on me and my approach to learning about and interacting with others.

If my go-to is to believe someone, then all of the problem solving we do, based on the facts as they are presented, are not me trying to prove that the person who told me the misrepresentation of truth is lying.

My feeling is, we all have different interpretations of the truth, so if your truth is that you were hurt, then lets go with that and work to help you feel less pain.

Application

As people in your life tell you things that you know are not factually true (I call them bad reporters, or say they have ‘bad facts’), think about the payoff.

What is it about telling this misrepresentations of the truth, or facts, that is helping them gain something?

How are we promoting this by giving a response or feedback?

What can each of us do to help know the difference between ‘this is not your business’, which happens on occasion, and ‘I am misleading you in some intentional way’, which also happens with a good amount of frequency.

If your strength is pointing out misrepresentations of facts, what population does that work for helping with ?

I am best with teens/pre-teens. They tell me something that is not accurate and my response is ‘huh-that seems hard to believe’.

I do not disbelieve them, but I do point out the reasons that make their statement hard to believe.

I am second best with building people up who have not treated themselves with the respect that I would like them to.

How do you think about groups of people , whether that be people who speak a different language than you do, people who are developmentally an adolescent, or whether they are people who have lived for many years, who you connect with?

How can you use those connections to help their connections?

Something to think about.

🙂

Parenting with Fierceness: Raising the Bottom

One of my favorite roles as a professional has been teaching a class for first-time substance users who were teenagers.

The program occured in Clinton County, Indiana and was funded through the Probation Department to help educate youth about substance use and abuse in order to help prevent future under-age/illegal use.

One of the phrases I used in that role was ‘raise the bottom’.

I have found, as a therapist working primarly with teens and youth, that encouraging the adults who are helping to provide teens with structure and consequences to ‘raise the bottom’ to be somewhat of an ambiguous term that at times needs an explanation.

When I think of this term, I also think of ‘failing small’.

Failing small is when we allow those in our lives, or in our care, to fail so that they experience some failure which can help motivate them to make some changes based on the consequences they receive.

For my own children, one of the tactics we used as parents was to state ‘That’s one consequence’ in the middle of a 4 year old’s temper tantrum.

Continue with the tantrum? That’s two consequences.

The actual consequences were discussed and determined later, when both the child and the parents had a clearer head.

I know, for myself, if I had followed the urge to hand out a consequence at the time it would have sounded something like ‘you are never going to leave your room again!!’ or ‘time out, no movie, no gameboy, and no television for the rest of the night!’

For children in the heat of anger and tantruming, this can sound very much like a challenge they will try to win.

During my sons’ middle school years, I supervised a Pregnant and Parenting Teen program. The program was staffed in 8 hour shifts.

The staff frequently became very frustrated with the residents in our care.  At the time I supervised this program, my own children were in middle school.

In addition, I have quite a stubborn streak, which can help me in guiding those who are dealing with people who like to be persistent. Those working to connect and motivate frequently experience an amount of frustration.

“If you decide to go toe-to-toe with a teenager, they will win”

“They are better and more locked into winning this battle, so as stubborn and persistant as you feel you may be, they are still going to get the better of you due to their super-power ability in this area”

Those are some phrases I said consistently when supervising staff who were having some frustrations.  

We then worked together to problem solve some trauma-informed, natural consequences to attempt to motivate our teens who were pregnant or parenting.

Now let’s think of this area in terms of parenting your own children:

When we raise the bottom, we allow our children to experience a natural consequence to their choice.

An example of this could be wearing shorts on a cold day. The child/teen will be cold if they do not dress appropriately for the temperature.  That is a consequence of dressing for summer in the winter.

If you do not turn in your homework, your grade will reflect that. A ‘0’ score brings down a percentage much more quickly than a score of even 50%, so turning in your homework will help your grades if you are motivated by grades.

These get tricky, because we as parents tend to remember all of the things we wish we would have known when we were teenagers, and can recognize that lecturing and informing our child about this will certainly motivate them.

Which it probably will, it just may not motivate them in the way you are seeking.

If they are self motivated, they may not need much guidance in terms of completing their homework.  If they are high achievers, the grades or feedback themselves generally motivate them.

As we think about what areas we want to work on as parents or employers, I encourge you to think of 1-2 things you’d really like to focus on.

I encourage parents to tackle one area at a time with a child in their life who is generating some frustration.

When I am meeting with teens or pre-teens, I encourage them to learn to recognize what the consequences are for their choices before they do the act of whatever thing they may be choosing to do at that time.

Learning to recognize their feelings about conseuqneces and whether or not they are motivated to change their behaviors based on the potential consequences is another area for teens and parents to think about as they make choices and consequences to them.

Utilizing In Your Life.

I would like you to think about something you’d like to focus on with someone who is in your life at this time.

What behavior would you like to spend less time focusing on talking about or dealing with, and how would you like to allow your child to spend more time allowing your child to experience that natural or prescribed consequence?

Some sources of frustration might be related to spending money on meals, movies, etc; working on grades/homework; or anything that is causing you frustration as you and your child interact.

Now I encourage you to set aside a time to meet with the person who you are having some frustrations with, and talk about some ways to handle this differently.

Maybe you check their grades less often, or you monitor their spending a little bit less, or maybe you give them less access to funds.

Now that you have thought of what to talk about, and thought of a time that might work for a conversation, I encourage you to talk during a peaceful time.

This time could be in the car on the way to somewhere, it could be during a meal, or it could be a scheduled time where you take into consideration their schedule and how they will respond at that time of day.

It could be at a time that just ‘pops up’. We call these teachable moments, and you as the adult or other participant in the relationship can work look for opportunities as they arise naturally.

One time that I will discourage you from choosing, when dealing with teens, is right when they wake up. Clearly, though, that is up to you.

To summarize:

‘Raising the Bottom’ means letting the person in your life experience real consequences to their behavior to help motivate them to make change vs. saving them/protecting them from all consequences.

I hope you can experience a little less frustration in an area that has been frustrating for you.

Thanks for reading!

 

Parenting with Fierceness: Some Drawbacks and Perks from a Mom of Twins

I was so excited the day in 1997 when our obstetrician told us we were having twins.

We had waited for them for just a little bit longer than some people do, as fertility was something that I had to work a little harder at than some other things I had set to accomplish in my our 25 and 26 years of life.

We found out at about 20 weeks gestation that they were both boys, so from then on we set to naming them.

As many can imagine, parenting them (let’s face it, being pregnant with them) has had its own set of challenges and rewards.

14 lbs is really too much baby for a uterus, and chasing two 18 month olds was enough to keep anyone on their toes.

I’m not even going to go into potty training two toddlers at once or teaching two of them to drive at the same time.

Who wins?

For today, let’s focus on game playing.

One thing I was never able to completely do was to parent them in a way where one of them was able to consistently ‘win’ at games we played together.

We played a lot of board games (or ‘bored’ games as my husband and one of my sons tend to call them) as they were growing up. The person who won the game was always the person who ‘actually’ won the game.

In Uno, we each tried our hardest to be the one to run out of cards first. In Monopoly Jr., the goal had something to do with Mickey Mouse, so that effort was put forth to win applied to that game as well.

When they were about 4 years old, we got together with a childhood friend of mine whose son is about 6 months younger than they are.

As we were playing, she got a confused look on her face.

‘How do you decide which one is going to win?’

I looked at her with an equally confused look, since the person who won was the person who got the joy of winning.

She went on ‘Well, I tend to let my son win, so if you have two the same age, how do you decide which one wins each time?’

At that moment, I realized how another facet of having and raising twins is different than raising singletons.

My children have never individually been my ‘one and only’.  They have always each been one of my ones and only, but they have also had each other for as long as they have had their dad and me.

Parenting using a Zone Defense

Another incident that comes to mind from around the same age occurred when I took them to a playground with a childhood friend whose son is a little over 2 years younger than they are.

We went to a park in Fishers, Indiana, where she lived at the time.

There was a very large playground there, where we watched our children from far enough back to be able to catch them if any of them got too far away or hurt themselves.

We experienced some frustrations because some of the other parents (or ‘those Fishers parents’ as we called them at the time) watched their children from such a close distance that if their child ran quickly through the playground, the parents had to either book it to the other side of the playground set or jump up and go through the obstacles themselves.

Kind of like a zone defense vs. man to man in basketball. We utilized the zone defense, the one to one parents really put in a lot more legwork.

We were both amused when parents were on the playgroud itself. They had to do some interesting gymnastics to try to keep up with their child as they skirted out of arms reach.

These children, who we have now raised into twenty somethings and now have peers in college and in the workforce, are now much, much bigger than they were at 4 and 2 years of age.

In Summary:

The takeaway from this article is thinking about how, as we parent, are in relationships, and supervise others, are we providing that balance of support and autonomy.

We want our children to stay safe.

Those big giant heads help us to do that as we understand that they cannot meet their own needs.

As we are in relationships where we want our children to grow and become more automonous, how do we provide that support while also enabling them to have some small failures and to be independent in the process?

As someone who has supervised 20 something staff for many years, I started to hear ‘you are just like my mom!’ several years ago.

I have talked with staff about how their parents encouraged their independence, as I encouraged them to separate from their parents in ways that would help them to become adults who are able to work independently and productively.

This task, for me as a supervisor, is much easier than the task is for me as a parent.

As my children moved to Bloomington as 18 year old ‘adults’, I thought of all of the things my husband I had done to encourage their confidence and independence, and all of the things we have done that has allowed them to continue to rely on us.

Putting Into Practice

As you think about the people in your life who you are trying to help become successful, independent, good-enough decision-making adults, what are some areas that you feel you have success in?

What is one specific area that you can look at about what you have done, whether that is with a friend, a spouse, an employee, or a child you have a role in raising, that you can look back on and think

‘I am doing a pretty good job at that task’?

What areas can you think of where you are helpful to someone else?

Now I encourage you to think of an area where you have what I call ‘room for growth’.

As you think about that area, what is something that you think about that you can be doing presently to help yourself, someone close to you, or a future relationship you hope to have?

When you think about that area you have room for improvement in, what is one specific thing you can think about that you will try to be better about?

For me, I encourage myself to remember that 21 year olds have a lot of independence and a lot of questions about how to maintain that independence.

The next task: identify something you’ll do, make a note of it in some way that you’ll remember, then make an effort and do it.

Now decide by when….

Happy Friday! It’s definitely my favorite day of the week!

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