Strengths Based: Mental and Physical Health; Health and Family Fun in Words and Pics
Here’s a podcast of the article I previously published. It’s a follow up to my previous podcast in 2022, so bear with me as I continue to learn what I’m doing!
https://open.spotify.com/show/2V7cM5vOOkP2rbdyy0J5LZ
Hope y’all are staying safe! We had some really strong winds last night that blew over our fence, but now all is peaceful and sunny.
So..if you’ve ever read my blog you probably know I’m a mental health therapist. I work in a group practice known as Blank Slate Therapy in McKinney, Texas; and I’ve been there for 5 years as of this past end of January.
Long sentence, right? I began my own private practice here in Texas in the summer of 2019 just after we moved here from Indiana. As a Licensed Therapist in Indiana, I had done some private practice work at a group practice, some individual/family therapy at a Non-Profit I worked for; and in January 2020 I was ready to go with getting new clients, getting busy with referrals, and taking insurance again.
When I owned my own practice I didn’t accept insurance, which made referrals a little harder to get with the amount of advertising I did (which was through Psychology Today). I had started with a very small number of people I worked with which allowed me to get comfortable in my new living environment (I had moved from Indiana in June of 2019); and begin to learn to budget my business and try to pay my rent, which was fairly expensive considering the number of clients I had at that time.
Fast forward to March of 2020 and all of our lives changed. I wrote about it, beginning in March; about how COVID was changing our lives and some of my fears and observations about the effect it was going to have on our lives.
Don’t get me wrong; there were some positive effects that I have seen. Kids who had been going to practice non-stop and parents who worked full time with long commutes were able to spend time together.
People were able to increase their productivity and learn how to work from home. Kids who learn well from virtual school were able to discover that; and some people felt more peace and less chaos in their lives.
The cost of the pandemic has included a great deal of loneliness on many people’s part from my observations. Kids had to learn to work from a computer environment, whether that was better for their learning style or not.
Parents with children were tasked with figuring out how to work their own jobs/roles in the household while supervising their children just enough to be helpful and not too much to be doing it for them.
This has all had an effect on all of us.
I say sometimes to clients who meet with me in my practice that ‘we all lived through the pandemic, right?’ It is an obvious comment, but also acknowledges that the isolation and changes in environment have had long lasting effects on children, adults, and everyone in between (I particularly like to work with adolescents, who don’t always like to be called ‘children’, but I digress…)
We can’t disregard the trauma, or life changing experiences that COVID has had on us as a society. Or at least; I would discourage you from discounting that effect that the pandemic has had on us as a society.
I referred to it as ‘The Pause’ in one of my earlier blog posts about the pandemic. I got that word from a friend who has become my boss in some consulting work I’m doing regularly for her practice. I’ve been writing a longitudinal observational narrative about what I see through my eyes, experiences, and practice since the beginning.
This is my update to the last blog I wrote a few years ago.
A long winded intro, I realize, but this probably won’t be the last post I write about for the pandemic. One of my personal goals is to write a book, so I’m writing in small chunks and putting it out there for the public to read what I see and observe. May seem obvious, but I like to write what I’m trying to say (I’m that rare therapist who enjoys writing notes; as a more common trait, I also takes notes as I listen through sessions I conduct with clients)
I’m seeing at work kids who went through the pandemic as pre-schoolers who are now 8 or so. Eight is about the youngest I go (although I used to go down to six so there are some exceptions).
I see kids who had to learn to do school and behave while their parents worked from home. I see kids who lived in environments where that was very stressful for the parents, and there was a lot of spoken or unspoken conflict in the parental relationship. This stress and tension in the family has had an effect on all members in the family.
I see parents who learned to help their kids be independent workers, who sometimes have a struggle with what is developmentally appropriate as it relates to supervision of their children.
Kids had to grow up differently during 2020 than they had in terms of supervision if they had one or two parents who worked while they were in school, or if their parent(s) left them alone to study in their room without checking on them all that often and they needed that , or if a grandparent or other caregiver suddenly supervised them. Some people I know utilized daycare as soon as the daycares opened.
We all remember that the daycares closed for a period of time. In my opinion (obviously this whole blog is my opinion and a professor I had back at Indiana University would be frustrated with me for spelling that out to you readers) Every. Single. Person. Who lived through the pandemic was affected by it regardless of age.
An introvert or someone who loves to work from home and is most productive that way may say it is the best thing that happened to them in terms of their work life.
No more commute (at least for the time being) and an ability to focus without others around. Maybe that person has a lot of meetings or zoom calls, or phone calls during their workday and they are able to have that connection with co-workers and who they work with remotely.
This is still an effect. It is a change in their routine or way of doing things.
I have been fortunate almost all of my adult career in that I am able to work both remotely and at an office space (or someone else’s home when I did home based therapy/family preservation).
In 1995, when I accepted a home based therapy/family preservation position with a company without a local office, I had to learn self-discipline as it related to working and not working.
The office structure creates a boundary that can help people, with or without children, create and utilize that boundary between working and not working.
Children need supervision. Teens need an amount of supervision. All kids need to be held accountable by rules and consequences that help motivate them to learn to become ‘better humans’ for lack of a better way to say it.
People need human contact.
We all have different levels of need for what that human contact looks like and how we cope with that now that some of the pandemic rules have lessened and changed in terms of being around each other and communicating. And holding ourselves and the people we live with, whether they are small and short or big and tall, accountable for working to achieve a work-life balance that includes supervision and time off from work.
This blog post is longer than some, so I’m going to wrap up for now with some questions for you.
How do you feel you have had success on setting limits with yourself in terms of work life, focusing on being productive and downtime?
How are you able to get your needs met while maintaining an amount of focus OR providing other forms of supervision for young children who need it?
What tools are you using to move your body and help yourself relax? I encourage moderation in just about everything we do, including exercise, reading, working, time spent cooking, time spent planning our day, time spent doing something that doesn’t involve an electronic. Electronics. Moderation with substance use is something I talk about in session with non-addicted people I meet with.
How do you moderate your substance, or gaming, or other addictive behavior, use while maintaining your wits and feeling good the next day? How do you exercise and still spend time with your children in the evening after you have worked all day?
How do you get time for yourself when your job is managing the household and/or supervising children? How are you getting YOUR needs met, which we all need to do in order for function?
How are you co-parenting with your spouse or your children’s parent who you may or may not be living with and communicating with as effectively as you would like?
These are some of the questions I think about as I work to encourage myself and those I meet with to function as well as we can in spite of the very big experience of what I call trauma that we experienced five years ago.
Some people talk about a pendulum moving back and forth in terms of what is common or acceptable in society as it relates to working norms, division of labor norms, how much children need supervised (I’m including teens there in that one) and how much time we need to move our body and get our own needs met.
This morning, I’m moving my fingers on the keyboard as I write, which is something I enjoy doing.
I’m sitting next to my dog who is still sleeping, and I’m about to have a cup of tea because that’s how I like to start my day. I’ll probably journal in a minute and read a bit.
I live with my husband who will be waking up soon and we will probably talk with each other after he’s had a chance to wake up and drink coffee, as that is how he likes to start his day.
Getting our needs met is important, and doing it without as much of these addictive electronics is something else I promote.
It’s hard for sure; no doubt about it.
Hope your day has peace and you find some productive time, some downtime, and maybe some time to interact with other people in some way or another.
Peace
What brings you peace?
When I think about what brings me peace, I think of music, water, reading and spending time with family.
I love to listen to music, to make music, and to perform. I was raised by two musicians (who made their money as music educators). Our house was filled with sounds of the piano, people practicing trumpet or saxophone, singing , and my parents’ tense voices as they prepared for a concert.
When I am feeling peaceful, I play piano. When I am anxious, I play piano. I find playing piano one of the better ways to de-stress and to make music.
I learned to play guitar when I was in graduate school. I knew a few chords from taking guitar lessons in elementary, and recently took a month’s worth of weekly lessons to try to improve my skills. It is easier to sing and play guitar than it is for me to play piano and sing, so that is another way I find peace.
Water brings me peace. I really enjoy reading my kindle by the pool in the summer, and will read just about any chance I get. I love to escape to other places, with other individuals and families, through reading. Kayaking is another thing which brings me peace. Kayaking on the water in the morning is truly peaceful to me.
Finally, I enjoy reading for information. My office is full of books that I am in the process of reading, particularly about ADHD, Autism, Eating Disorders, and Trauma.
I find that reading to learn is a different experience for me. When I am learning, I prefer to read real, actual books as opposed to the electronic books I read for fun. I like to flip through books I am reading to learn from, and skip ahead to parts that interest me.
A book I am currently reading for work is ‘Running on Empty’ by Janice Webb, PhD. It is a book about ‘Overcoming Your Childhood Emotional Neglect’, and was recommended to me recently. It is a nice, easy read and helps me understand some of the history of people I meet with.
What do you find peaceful?
What is something that you look forward to doing as you have the time to do it? What do you make time for on a week you might be really busy?
How would your friends or family answer that question for you?
I’m an ambivert, which means I fall just between extroverted and introverted. I love to be around people, but also love downtime and quiet time. Because of this, being with family also helps me find peace.
I just returned from a Thanksgiving trip to Madison, Wisconsin to see my kids and my son’s fiancée. Seeing my kids definitely gives me peace, and is something I look forward to in the weeks leading up to visits with them. While there, we play a board game called ‘Catan’, which is one of my favorite games.
Being peaceful tends to help me with productivity.
For me, being productive at work includes being in session, preparing for sessions, writing notes about sessions, and reading to learn. I also participate in consultations with other therapists on a bi-weekly basis.
At home, being productive includes creativity. I am currently working on some training sessions I will be providing to my friend’s practice. I am working to combine my creativity with planning the sessions by utilizing markers and colors to help me plan.
Of course work around the house, exercise which includes Pilates, and taking time for friends and family is also included with being productive.
Even downtime, which for me looks like reading or watching television, is important to my peacefulness and productivity.
What helps with your productiveness?
In what areas are you working to increase your productivity and your ability to have both busy times and downtimes?
I hope you get some peaceful productive time today.
As a mental health therapist, I currently meet with people who have lots of different types of trauma. A few people who I meet with tell me that they chose me based on my background and training in trauma therapy. Choosing a trauma therapist can be challenging, so here are some things that may be helpful when choosing a therapist, particularly someone with evidence based training in trauma therapy.
When choosing a trauma based therapist, take into consideration what trauma is and our responses to it. Traumas are: What we have experienced, our bio-chemistry, our sensitivities, and our pre-dispositions which make us affected by social interactions and life events. As we all are trauma affected, I’m thinking of COVID here, we’ve all had different responses to it. All of us have experiences that have affected us in some way, and for many of us choosing mental health therapy is a way to work through trauma. There are several different types of evidence based practices which treat trauma in mental health therapy.
A meaningful training I attended as a trauma researcher and therapist came to the forefront at a Trauma-Informed-Care (TIC) train-the trainer workshop I attended in 2012. It was put on by the Federal Youth Service Bureau (FYSB, pronounced fizz-B), and was particularly meaningful to me as a participant.
At that time, I’d had a couple of experiences working in residential settings. One was an experience I had during graduate school. I was the van driver for a group home for adolescent boys who had either broken some sort of law or experienced some sort of abuse or neglect, rendering them unable to stay in their home environment. After being the van driver for a year or so, I utilized the group home for practicum experience and was a therapist to some of the boys who resided at the facility.
My second experience occurred while I was attending the TIC workshop. I was Director of the staff and programming for a Pregnant and Parenting Teen program, also funded by FYSB. We had one location for the 18 and under moms or moms to be. We also had apartments for the moms who were 19 and older.
The training confirmed some of my own biases and opinions that I had formed working in residential facilities with youth. I had always thought that it is important to take into consideration what trauma each of the residents had experienced, and to apply therapy which respected the participant. One thing I learned in the TIC training was about helping connect consequences to the behaviors, and recognizing how trauma can affect the person doing the behavior. For instance, a person may have a very large reaction to the lights being turned on when someone is going to wake them up. If they have trauma associated with lights being turned on and being removed from their home, this makes sense. Respecting the trauma response and waking someone gently with words can be a better route than turning lights on in this scenario.
It also confirmed family therapy I did with families who were affected by Child Protective Services when I did home-based work. Early in my career I was a home-based therapist for families involved with Child Protective Services or at risk for having abuse or neglect in their family. Utilizing TIC when working together with parents of children who had been removed from the home, or with the children who either had been or were at risk for being removed, was important to gaining trust with the families and children.
There are all kinds of traumas that people can experience; and as a therapist in the field for many years, I have been privy to hearing about quite a bit of it.
Some have experienced sexual trauma, others have lost a child, others have experienced abuse that was physical or neglectful.
There are some evidence-based types of mental health therapy that are specifically designed to work with trauma.
As people who are living with and through trauma determine what type of training their therapist has had, there are several different things to consider.
Number one, from pretty much all of the research I have read, is that therapeutic relationship. The therapeutic relationship is tough to know prior to making that first phone call, which is also going to be dependent on cost, availability of the therapist, whether or not they take your insurance or are a fee based (private pay) person. In addition, it is important to consider some of their trainings in areas that are important to the person participating in or facilitating the therapy.
One type of evidence based trauma treatment is utilizing a Trauma Informed Care approach. The TIC approach includes recognizing that trauma plays into interactions that we all have with each other. We can recognize that as we work together in the therapeutic relationship.
Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (TF-CBT) is a trauma-informed approach that includes psychoeducation (teaching about trauma) and including a trauma narrative, which is the story of what the trauma is. It has more of a prescriptive approach to the therapeutic relationship, and has good evidence behind it.
Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) is an approach which recognizes that there are certain, specific techniques that can be helpful in therapy with someone who has experienced trauma. The training includes learning about these techniques and practicing using them in the therapeutic relationship.
ART, or Accelerated Resolution Therapy, is an eye movement therapy that helps the therapist and the person in session work through traumatic experiences. EMDR is similar to ART, but was developed first and is another evidence based eye movement treatment for those who have experienced trauma.
Of the types of training listed above, I am trained in all except for EMDR, which may be something I tackle next.
Motivational Interviewing is a type of evidence based therapy that I utilize frequently in sessions, where I am working to help the client be motivated to make changes through interviewing, or questioning.
Finding a therapist who utilizes evidence based treatment can be a real plus when working to make changes.
What qualities do you look for when you are finding a therapist?
How do you choose which therapist to contact? Do you look for someone who appears personable in their photo, someone who has a strong history of rapport building, or someone with trainings in evidence based practices? Or do you look for a combination of all of the above?
We’re hearing on the news about how important therapy is. I watched Saturday Night Live last week, and multiple skits included the topic of therapy.
The stigma of participating in therapy is lessening, and more and more therapists are getting trained in the field of therapy, at least here in Texas where I live.
I hope you find a quality therapist. One you can trust, one you can talk with, and one you find helpful as you work through whatever has brought you to therapy.
So… should I actually trust my gut? That’s a solid question!
As a mental health therapist, I rely on my instincts during the sessions I have with clients. It is imperative that I trust what I have to say; but it is even more imperative that I LISTEN to what they say, because listening to words, body language, and expressions are how I gauge what someone is saying to formulate a response. .
As a teen and early twenty-something-year-old, I had a lot of confidence in my instincts. School came easily to me, so my instincts were reinforced with high grades in high school and in college; and then again in graduate school.
As I have aged, that confidence has probably lessened to some degree.
For about 5 years, I worked for an organization that was not a great fit for me. It had a long history of bureaucracy, which was totally new to me.
I was raised in a farm community (Tipton, Indiana) where we valued all roles at all times. We valued the soil that is one of the richest in the nation, and we valued the work we did in the corn fields to detassel the corn. In fact, at the time I worked at the bureaucratic company, Bureau was part of the name. They have since changed names to a more egalitarian sounding company, but I digress.
I learned while I worked there to tell my direct supervisor anything that was important to me. Previous to that role, I had reported to the President, or Executive Director, so being a Middle Manager was hard for me. I am the second of three children, so being number two was definitely in my comfort zone.
I also learned to question myself, which has been difficult to unlearn. I learned that my instincts get me into ‘trouble’, or can be met with disdain. I learned, or at least was told, that the executive director did not like email. Email was at that time my preferred way to communicate
I also learned how to function in a bureaucracy. I learned it the hard way, and have since moved on to another position. I report to the Director, who owns the practice where I work.
I have learned again to trust my instincts, as they are generally accurate. I have also learned to ask questions of those around me again. I had stopped doing that for a period of time during my transition from Indiana to Texas.
I would say, to answer the question as it was originally asked, that I do in general trust my instincts. I live by motivational-ly interviewing my clients who allow it, and sometimes guess wrong. Lucky for me, talk therapy includes non-verbal communication. I can get an idea if I guess wrong and the person is hesitant to verbalize that.
As you reflect today on your instincts and the degree to which you trust them, I urge you to consider the individuals who provide you with support in your life.
Who do you turn to when you are unsure if your instincts are accurate or not?
What do you do when an instinct leads you into an inaccurate response?
I encourage you to trust yourself, and to have a strong sense of self.
I’m encouraging my clients to watch ‘Inside Out 2’. It has a great description of sense of self, as well as doing a great job of explaining Anxiety, Ennui, Disgust, Nostalgia, and the characters from the first one; Joy, Anger, Sadness, and another one or two I am currently forgetting.
Let’s all work to have confidence in ourselves in moderation, as it promotes a strong sense of self and helps us to succeed in our roles
Parke Therapy and Artistry