Remember the song from Sesame Street? (you may want to ask a parent if you are under 40)
“Everyone makes mistakes oh yes, they do…..
Your sister and your brother and your dad and mother too…
matter of fact, ALL People…”
well, you get the idea.
We all have a tendency to make mistakes. What we don’t all have the tendency to do, is to be aware of how to be tolerant of others when they make mistakes. Even more importantly, we have to learn to be tolerant of ourselves when WE make mistakes.
Maybe the song should have gone something like this:
“Please remember this when you type on your social media page
Or yell at your spouse
or your child
I write a lot about leadership and how important it is to foster a trusting relationship. I write about encouraging questions and an environment of learning.
What I haven’t written as much about is how to be OK with our own errors, and to work through those anxious feelings when mistakes happen. For adults with ADHD tendencies, or diagnosed ADHD, those learned behaviors of feeling anxious about behaviors and actions can result in a whole lot of anxiety.
Ever think back on a social event and think ‘why did I say that?? I probably shouldn’t have. I wish I could go back in time and not say it’.
This rumination, or thinking about the same thing over and over again, is a huge part of attention differences. Anxiety co-occurs with ADHD with a really high frequency, and can have a real negative affect on social relationships, sleep, and our own self-talk and self-care.
I’m really fascinated by the ADHD brain.
The ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) brain is different from brains which may be more neurotypical.
ADHD isn’t really about not being able to pay attention.
It is a different wiring of the brain, which can be either over or under-stimulated.
Let’s take an example of someone who has been diagnosed with ADHD.
That person may be able to focus intently on a specific task at times (referred to as hyperfocusing), and struggle to give attention to something they need to focus on at others.
As a parent to a child with those behaviors, it may seem that the child focuses on what they like, or what they want to, but not on what they need to focus on, such as completing chores or schoolwork.
The parent may then experience frustration and express that to their child in a negative way, perhaps by using a loud voice.
The child may then become anxious and worried about forgetting tasks, which creates a cycle of lower success.
Here are a few things that can help a child who has an ADHD brain to have more success:
Provide structure. Have a routine of tasks that need to be completed. The child then has more predictability and may know ‘OK, after dinner I do my homework. After homework I take my bath and get ready for bed’
Another idea is to break tasks into smaller chunks instead of listing everything out at once. A child who hears ‘Take your shoes upstairs, then put these clean clothes away, then I need you to come back down to finish your homework’ may take their clothes upstairs, notice they left out their game from earlier, and begin playing it.
The caregiver may then become upset with the child for not listening, and the child may become more and more anxious as the parent gives them a list of tasks because of their fear of forgetting.
The ADHD brain fires differently, and as with all things, we are still learning about how this works.
I encourage you, as an adult reading this article who may have a brain with ADHD or attention differences, to continue to educate yourself about how your brain may work differently than someone who does not have attention differences.
I encourage you, as a parent who may be reading this who experiences frustration, to give your child structure and provide small chunks of instructions instead of lists of them. To say ‘I need you to go upstairs and do 2 things. Take your shoes up and put your clothes away.’
You have then told the child how many things to do (2), and what those two things are. The child has a better chance of remembering to complete them because they may have focused on the number of things to do, or they may have focused what their tasks are. Having listed both the number of items and the tasks help to increase their chances of completing the requested tasks.
I then encourage you to monitor your child for success. Encourage them to recognize that they did complete a task, and to know you are both seeking and expecting them to have success, and that you are seeking less frustration from both of you.
As you and they continue to make mistakes, as you and they both will, remember the song I referenced at the beginning of this article. In this time of COVID, we’re learning a little more about our own tendencies and our children’s as we spend more time interacting and learning new patterns and habits.
Everyone makes mistakes oh yes they do…..