Hey! How are You Feeling?

I am about average height, have average-ish brown hair, am fairly average to fluffy weight, and I smile quite a bit.

I generally attribute these characteristics to be the reason that people struggle to recognize me after they have met me a few times.

My ligaments have a habit of getting a little stretched out, so for the last couple of years I have had some opportunities to wear braces including: a shoulder sling, an ankle brace, and a wrist brace.

When I’m asked one of the above questions, I usually answer something pretty fast, such as ‘I slipped on the ice’, or ‘I just twisted my ankle’.

The shoulder sling was a little trickier. It is the one people usually use when they have shoulder surgery, so sometimes people will ask me if I’m the one who had shoulder surgery. Although I did not have surgery, I acknowledge that was probably me.

For the most part, I appreciate any conversation. A little dose of empathy for pain doesn’t bother me a bit.

What is harder for me is when the person I’m talking with implies that I am wearing a sling, brace etc. for attention purposes.

That reaction, even when stated in fun, tends to hurt my feelings. I have a tendency to wait too long to use an assistive device such as a sling or brace, so not only am I in a pretty high amount of pain if I am using it, but I am also frustrated about having to use it.

Dismissing my pain and my need for a device for various pains I have reminds me of those I have worked with in talk therapy. I think about how they talk about their own pain and when they feel dismissed.

A common theme between me and the people I have met with is their feelings of having their thoughts, feelings, or pain response dismissed.

They thought they should not have put themself in that situation; therefore, it was their fault for being there. As we talked through the events preceding and during their trauma, they were able to put words to their feelings.

Discussing their anger toward the perpetrators of the assault, as well as helping with coping skills to work through those anger responses is an additional step in the process.

What I do not consider to be helpful in this situation is minimizing the pain response of the person talking about their trauma.

Telling someone they are not experiencing the pain that they are interpreting as painful is really hard on the one in pain.

Her mom yelled from the other room ‘oh come on! It couldn’t have actually hurt!’

The child looked at me with scared eyes. Families who I visited in their homes were either at risk of substantiated abuse or neglect or there had been abuse or neglect in their family.

A child complaining about a spanking from her mom is a red flag that abuse could be occurring in the family again, although it does not mean that definitively.

For the child, being told she didn’t experience pain when she was in the process of telling me that she was, dismissed her pain. Whether the pain she experienced was physical, hurt feelings, or abuse, it was still painful to her.

Something I encourage you to think about is how you react when someone reports a painful experience to you.

While these words can be motivating to ourselves, they can also be hurtful and dismissive.

Additionally, when a child hears a parent call themself stupid, fat, or lazy, they are likely to internalize that the parent is also calling them stupid, fat or lazy.

Children, especially toddlers and teenagers, tend to be fairly self centered. A statement you make about yourself is likely to be internalized by the child or teen as something about themself.

In order to be helpful, I encourage you to think about the ‘unsaid’. Often the unsaid, whether it is a helpful glance, a pointed stare, or harsh ‘harrumph’ is the clearest communicator.

I hope you get an empathetic glance today. I hope, if you express pain to yourself, someone else, or to a child , that you get a response that is helpful to you in reducing your pain.

🙂